I’m going to accept my father for who he is presently, and stop judging him for who he hasn’t been. -She, June 2011

I read my 2011 Father’s Day Acknowledgment and I’m proud of the person that I’m becoming in regards to the absence of my father. Key word is “becoming” which denotes a process. At the time I wrote that post, I was still in Costa Rica (on his invitation) and since returning to the United States I have seen him about once (around the holidays of 2012). I’m not sure if my father read the post, if he has, he didn’t acknowledge it to me. I revisit the post whenever I want strength and clarity, because I still struggle with forgiveness. Forgiveness for my own sake.

I don’t see my father enough, in my opinion. Yes, I’m an adult but I still deal with Daddy issues on a daily. I deal with residual issues of self-worth, attention, attachment, and with the decisions in the men I choose to date. My resolution was to find ways to get closer to him. The problem, as it stands, is that as an adult, I’m making efforts to get to know a stranger. A stranger very set in his ways.

As I try my best to get closer to him (plan trips to his home state, call him more frequently and tell him about present goings-on) I am expecting him to take on a character he has never grown into. What I want from him is not tangible. I expect him to be a gentle adviser, a listening ear and a cheerleader. I expect him to tell me a million times that I am beautiful. That I shouldn’t settle. That I am worth claiming. That I can get a PhD. That I’ve made some great decisions and have turned out a great person in spite of...

That he regrets waiting so long to meet me. That he wants to optimize the time we have. That he wants to travel with me. But maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he feels my fatherless upbringing was the best thing for me. That he is better at loving me from a distance.

Currently he brags to me about his world trips, the latest watch he’s purchased, and then silence. Silence abounds when we are alone together. It is that silence full of heaviness that makes one want to bring up the weather, the soccer game, the spot in the window, the wall color…ANYTHING! And have the moment pass because what I really want to say is:

I suffer from bouts of depression. I feel like I don’t have a voice, except when I type from my computer. I need attention constantly. I settle for less in relationships because I fear being alone. I become attached to feelings, and when those feelings are not surrendered I drown in self-deprecating thoughts. I have a very small circle of friends because I require a lot. I still don’t feel like a ‘true’ adult. I am angry that you will post pictures of your younger daughters on Facebook, but pretend like I don’t exist. I have some of your best features, but you make me feel like a hiccup in your life. How did you ever quench that hiccup? Did you hold your breath and wait a couple of seconds before saying “I come first, today, and for the rest of my life?”

God blessed you with the gift of fatherhood. You never unwrapped it.

Relentless,

She

1. What were you doing before you started this?

I’m in between finishing my homework for tomorrow and running out to grab some food because I’m starving!

2.What drives you every day?

The family I don’t have yet, my age (I’m getting ol!), and the fact that there’s more places I want to see before I leave this Earth.

3. How would you explain love to somebody who had never heard of it before?

This reminds me of the movie the 5th Element. The Element (woman) was created to save the world and then in the end she doesn’t want to because she’s like “I don’t know love…” and then Bruce Willis kisses her, finally, they go and make squishy in a horizontal time capsule. Sounds about right to me.

4. If you could be any age how old would you be?

This age, right now. 

5. Why were you given your name?

Story goes that Mami was watching American TV in Costa Rica. She heard of a male actor named Tracey and thought it would be perfect for her little girl. 

Play with me? Your turn!

-She

Tuesday, May 21st

Bridal party rehearsal and luncheon at Red Rock Casino and Resort.

Something I’ve come to learn about myself is I love buffets! Does that mean that my standard for taste is relatively basic? I’m not sure. I think I just like the variety.

Why not have macaroni and cheese with chicken and broccoli?

Pasta and grilled corn on the cob?

Send it my way!

The Red Rock Casino’s buffet was gaudy, humongous and although everything I had wasn’t delicious, the majority of it was enjoyable and I really couldn’t complain.

Click pic for credit

Wednesday, May 22nd

WEDDING DAY! Garden wedding @ The Grove

Enough Aaaah’s to last me the whole year.

Thursday, May 23rd 

My homegirl Dakota arrives from Los Angeles! *cue Rihanna’s Pour it Up*

Dining: Bahama Breeze takes the cake! During the week, they had a late-night happy hour from 9pm until closing and their Caribbean food was so amazing. During happy hour, the appetizers are half off as well! What more can you ask for?

One of everything, please?

Late night: TAO Restaurant and Bar. If you’re hardcore into just hip-hop and rap, you may want to go on the designated “black” night which I believe is Friday night.

Dakota’s cousin, Dakota, She

Friday, May 22nd

Day Pool Party at the Palms. Special Guest: Wiz Khalifa (Amber Rose in the cut supporting her baby faver)

Saturday, May 23rd

Return home. Plans to repeat in 2015. Occasion: 30th birthday!

Until next time,

Stay silly!

Mami and She

What is your favorite post of 2013?

I’ve been on a kinda break, meaning I’m officially done with my second semester of graduate school! Man, that sucka almost beat me. It was the toughest yet. We had a writing intensive class, Sociolinguistics, in which we had to produce two 20 page papers (double-spaced) and I’m pretty sure I’ve done as much writing in one semester than my whole Bachelor’s degree in English language and literature. According to the class that just graduated, it’s the hardest semester of the program. Glad that’s over.

Lots of changes are happening this spring and summer and I’d thought I’d share.

I’m a Second Year Graduate Student Now! Come this Fall, a new batch of newbies will be coming in. Ahhhh! Where did the time go?!

I’m a Bridesmaid on Wednesday! 

Remember when I was so excited about the news that I would be a bridesmaid? Well, to be honest I’ve had very limited participation due to 1) graduate school and 2) distance. My best friend lives in Las Vegas and would literally just send e-mails asking for opinions and ideas. I’m not blaming her, but this e-age kills the beauty in certain things. Maybe planning a wedding is just stressful and not supposed to be fun, but it’s definitely made me think twice about the way I want to do things when it’s my turn. Either way, this next week it’s going to be all about Rosie and I’m going to try my best to do what she asks so that her wedding is as memorable as it should be. Maybe the fact that I’m physically there and am extra set of hands for her will be good, but for now I don’t feel very accomplished as a bridesmaid.

My Roommate is Moving Out. I have one more year of graduate school and was actually looking to move walking distance to campus for next semester. Financially, that’s not possible this summer. Therefore, I’m going to sign another yearly lease where I reside now. My roommate has opted not to. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t doing somersaults inside. This roommate situation has been tolerable and not enjoyable. Namely, we don’t communicate very well. It didn’t start out that way. We started out very ambitious. But somewhere along the road, I found myself very annoyed and living with someone I felt was good at talking, but not good at doing. Also, I felt like the mother in the situation– the one who made decisions, and then made sure there was follow through. That’s not what I signed up for. Most of our communication is electronic  at this point (basically, the internet is the devil of this century) and because of it we have not made any progress. This change does not mean I will be living alone. I will be living with another roommate, but am screening more carefully this second go round! #chances

I’m Knee-Deep in a Relationship. I know you’re like, when do you even have time for a relationship? Well, I strongly believe in academics and keeping focused but the key to staying sane is also being social. And that includes having me-time and boo time. Things work because his schedule is very demanding so we have healthy time apart, and then squeeze in some fun times together. It works. We work. I’m happy.

I’m Working For Money. This summer, I’m finding time to get me a paying job (already secured one) before the fall begins again. Not only is the loan money dwindling, but I’m also taking an online class that I had to pay out of pocket. I will be plenty busy this summer, just like this time last year. Hustla, baby.

That’s about all for now folks,

She

Any new changes happening this season for you? Any advice on how to choose a stranger to live with? What are some potential roommate red flags? 

Admittedly, I usually discover new music through a link online, a blog I follow, or a friend’s car. I am not big on purchasing music online or following release dates, but I still enjoy discovering a  song that takes me to a different time and place.

Here are the top 5 songs on heavy rotation right now.

Justin Timberlake- Let The Groove Get In

This song reminds of a late-night backyard fiesta in Cuba. A beautiful blend of percussion, horns, and catchy phrases- There, there, right there! I truly love how Justin’s songs evolve from one song to the next with changing beats…it’s very refreshing.

Justin Timberlake- Pusher Lover Girl

junk, junk, junk, junk, junkie for your love

Lianne La Havas- Elusive

Robin Thicke- Blurred Lines

A fun song.

Bruno Mars- Show Me.

Reggae tune.

BONUS TRACK: Stained by Tori Kelly.

Any new tunes you’ve discovered recently? How do you come across new music?

-She

Teenaged She and Mami

Now-a-days, it’s hard living in a different state than my mother does. Mostly around the holidays. It’s hard to believe we have not lived in the same state for almost 10 years.

To be honest, distance has done my mother and I well. I had a very strict upbringing, especially around my pre-teen and teenage years. My mother and I could not get along. We could not communicate, and I believed at that age that my mother’s sole purpose was to make my life miserable. Eventually I learned it was pretty typical for mothers and daughters to be at war during puberty. And when she got married and moved to her husband’s state when I was 18, I felt a type of freedom I had wanted to experience but couldn’t while she was still around.

Betty, as I was allowed to call her before the age of 7 and before we moved to the United States where other people thought it inappropriate, was the strict disciplinarian, teacher, enforcer, provider and nurturer most of my life. When it came to school work, she was a perfectionist. No excessive eraser marks, no sloppiness, no bent pages. She was a very involved parent through most of my formal schooling, only stepping back when I got to High School and was supposed to exhibit independence. To her, academics were #1.

At this age, although I may not have understood her parenting techniques, I cannot deny the fact that considering what she had, she did damn good. She herself had a distant relationship with her mother, got pregnant at 16, moved to the United States at age 23 to live with said mother, worked demeaning and off-the-books jobs just to made sure I had what I needed.

To this day, I am still learning my mother. That’s the beauty of building a relationship with her as an adult. We visit each other as often as we can, and we make the best of every moment. I joke around and say I can only take her in doses. This is partly true.

Distance does makes us closer. This year I’m going to be 28 years old. I’m not yet a mother. But I pray, when I do become one, I possess just half my mother’s strength and endurance.

Happy Mother’s day to all the wonderful moms who make the job look so easy!

Best,

She

I participated this past Saturday on the Around the World Tour and traveled to: Haiti, Japan, Belize and Brazil. I visited a mosque as well.

Here’s what I learned from the embassy visits.

5.  Japan manufactures everything. Land (Toyota), air, or sea they got it all covered!

The MRJ, coming to an airport near you!

Security was tight outside of the Embassy

And if that wasn’t enough, they also make these:

4. Venezuela’s official name is The Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela. This does not mean that it is ‘owned’ by Bolivia, which I originally assumed. Upon further research, the name was imposed by Hugo Chavez as part of his revolutionary project to change Venezuela’s constitution. Bolivarian refers to the figure and national hero Simon Bolivar, which Bolivia was also named after.

3. Bolivia’s official name is the Plurinational state of Bolivia. According to Wikipedia, this name acknowledges the multi-ethnic makeup of the country, and the “enhanced position of Bolivia’s indigenous people under the new constitution.”

2.  I may or many not be able to pass for an Arab woman.

1. Quinoa is a grain-like crop (plant) that is cultivated for its seeds. The crop is mostly grown in Andean regions. 2013 is the International Year of Quinoa, and on the tour Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Ecuador, Peru and Venezuela featured some aspect of the crop at their embassies. At the Venezuelan Embassy, I tried some Quinoa juice and bread pudding. The juice was very different, not sweet nor sour, but the pudding was alright!

Quinoa

All in all, the trip around the world was a good time.

I don’t see what other reasons I may have to visit an Embassy (unless I get excited to some uber exclusive party) so this was a nice way to be introduced to places I hope to see in real life soon!

“Who are you?” La Havas said at one point, wondering about the fans who’d filled the club, screamed her name and knew the words to all of her songs. “I’m playing it cool, but I’m very, very overwhelmed.” -Godfrey for the Washington Post

I learned about Lianne La Havas through fellow blogger Jason. I really didn’t take her gift seriously until I added her station to Pandora (which I’m also recently over, now that I’ve learned about Songza) and started to realize that there was hardly not one of her songs that I didn’t like. Her music is a nice, smoky escape from reality to a place where guitars and vocals make beautiful babies,

If I had to describe Lianne’s voice in one word, I would use the word HONEY. It’s that smooth. It’s also so rich and addicting. Was that lame? Along with her stunning voice comes a natural-hair wearing caramel skin beauty! Plus, get this, her teeth are not straight! Am I crazy for saying that? I enjoy people who are themselves, uncensored. I hope she never fixes her teeth, even when she can afford it. During her recent concert (April 12th) at the 930 Club, she reassuringly told the audience “Yes, I’ll marry you.” There is hope! Therefore for the aforementioned reasons, my current obsession of the spring, Ms. Lianne.

OFFICIAL STATS:

Full name: Lianne Charlotte Barnes

Birthday: August 23, 1989 (she’s a baby- going to be 24 soon!)

Nationality: Born in London, England to a Greek father and Jamaican mother.

Album: Is Your Love Big Enough? released on July 9, 2012 in the UK (her first!)

Talents: Singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist (she get it from her Daddy)

Her Opening Song (No Room for Doubt, please excuse the childish chatter)

At the end of her show, she obliged the crowd who would not stop clapping, but then closed the show with a genuine goodbye saying “I’ve reached my last song now because I’ve only thus far made one album.” The first, we hope, and not the last.

I think I’m in Love (again),

She

Past obsessions:

Miguel