My questions for you are:
How do you define reciprocity in friendships?
What is your ideal birthday celebration?
Do you care if people remember your birthday?
How do you deal with being disappointed?
Is there such a thing as not having expectations?
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globetracer 
Well, as far as expectations go, people are complicated. So, while simple reciprocity seems not too much to expect, it means different things to different people. Some friends are going to be very responsive to you. Some aren’t. I used to take that sort of thing personally but, I’ve found it just has to do with who people are rather than how they feel about me.
So. As I get older I try to see each friend as an individual. I try to learn what their idea of friendship is. Then it’s easier to understand why they do or don’t do certain things. Also, I try to look at what’s being exchanged in the relationship. Every relationship is a give and take. So, what’s being given and what’s being received? There is a friend that have that never calls. Never shows up to birthday like things, etc. But, if I call her at 3am and tell her my car is broken down on a back road somewhere in Alaska, 15 minutes later help is coming.
Anyway, like they say about travelling, friendship isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. 🙂
Oh, and, I really never noticed your NY accent before. Lol. It reminds me of home. Sigh.
I’m a jealous friend. I can’t be part of groups/cliques for that reason. I’ve come to learn that about myself. I never think it’s equal when there’s a group of friends- some people are bound to be closer than others. And then the group becomes a smaller circle, which I don’t like, mostly because I’m not a part of it.
My problem is that I’m always wondering why people don’t want that closeness with me. Why they don’t gravitate towards me. So I’ve distanced myself from people because of that reason.
I like the idea of regarding people as individuals and accepting that. I guess that when you first meet someone and are excited in really getting to know that person- it’s hard not to EXPECT wonderful great outings and running through the trees holding hands. lol And my giving tends to outweigh their giving because I regard Quality time above everything. But everyone is different, you’re right.
What it may boil down to is Love Languages. Quality time is a big one for me. Don’t buy me stuff, don’t tell me how wonderful I am. Just show up.
What NY accent? lol What words?
I absolutely agree about quality time. It’s just a matter of two people having the same definition of what that means.
Lol. You have a nice likkle NY accent. Not too much, just enough.
Words? Well quite a few. But, “yesterday” is definitely one of them.
You know I’m going back to replay the video now!! HAHA
How do you define reciprocity in friendships?
Reciprocity in my friendships would be defined by one word: EFFORT
Make an effort to keep in touch with each other, to hang out regularly, to share our goals, secrets, dreams, etc.
What is your ideal birthday celebration?
Since 2011, I’ve been traveling somewhere every year for my birthday so my ideal birthday celebration would be in Rio and I’m trying to make that happen next year. London and Amsterdam are the alternates. LOL
Do you care if people remember your birthday?
Only my close friends and immediate family.
How do you deal with being disappointed?
I allow myself some time to deal with the cause of my disappointment and then I move on. Easier said than done most times though.
Is there such a thing as not having expectations?
I’m a fan of reasonable expectations but I do leave room for doubt when it involves acquaintances who haven’t been fully vetted.
I’ve been where you were before concerning others not attending your planned events. I use to attend many birthday dinners, graduation parties and other gatherings because I genuinely wanted to celebrate the major things happening in the lives of others.
2010 was my year. I graduated from college, got a promotion and planned a birthday weekend with “friends”; yet only one person attended my graduation and the attendees for my birthday dinner was dismal in comparison to the countless times I’ve showed up to other people’s functions. I heard every excuse in the book too. However, it was then that I learned that my time is just as valuable and that I will no longer be that chick “who gets invited because she comes to everything.” LOL
So I make every effort to support the three friends I’ve had for 10+ years and make reasonable efforts to support those who have shown me they’re dependable in the smallest capacities.
Take care.
Thanks for sharing your story. Nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
When I get “there”, I will def try to travel as part of my birthday as well. Still nothing like traveling with friends though!
I definitely don’t want to become the person that gets invited because I show up. But I genuinely like to celebrate with folks, just like you. My love language, like I mentioned in the previous comment, is quality time. I regard that above anything else you can “give” me in a friendship.
I find that effort is a very subjective term. Effort for me may mean texting you once a week, and for you it means calling you once a week at the very least. I think my problem is that I go all in- and try my best to include that person in my life. Some people don’t want or care for that. So I guess it’s really about regarding people individually, like Val mentioned.
My disappointment leads to me wanting to treat people the way they treat me. It’s not the best idea, but it’s the only way I know how to cope for now.
Its difficult to define true reciprocity in friendships because so many factors come in to play that we can’t or shouldn’t hold against each other. With that being said ideally, I’d love for my friend(s) to be there to make me laugh, smile, encourage me, support me, tell me when I’m messing up/the truth, and experience life together. I’d love consistent communication even if we don’t have time to hang out.
I’m a big believer in bdays. I do care about them so much so I get stressed trying to make sure my day is perfect. My ideal birthday hasn’t happened yet. I am planning a 65th 25th bday joint bday for my mom and I surrounded by family and friends and food and laughter and dancing into the wee hours of the morning.
There’s no right or wrong way to deal with being dissapointment. I usually find myself either feeling sad for a moment
And tuning everyone out and or doing my own thing….
The best way to go through relationships is not NOT to have expectations. People will let you down. Always have a plan B!
I guess that means your love language is more words of affirmation.
That joint birthday celebration sounds like a lot of fun! I guess the bottom line is reciprocity is subjective, and maybe disappointment can’t always be averted. I’m still growing on that end!
Happy belated birthday!
When I was younger and more extroverted, I always wanted to have bigger birthday parties. Having a summer birthday like you, it was hard that people were never around. When I was kid, kids would go away with their families on summer vacation, and as an adult my friends had their own summer plans. I tried to have a brunch on my birthday years ago, but it was the same day as Father’s Day so that ended up not happening. And on my 21st birthday eons ago, I tried to do this huge thing (meet at my place, go to Friday’s, then go to the drag nightclub), but not everyone was interested in the whole thing (one person brought his girlfriend, who whined and cried that she was bored). That was a realization that I can’t force others to do what I do and like what I like.
The older I get the less social I become, and I’ve become more of a fan of smaller things. Less is more and it makes me appreciative of what I already have. For my birthday this year, my sister treated me to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant that had bellydancing, and I had fun. It was also a great time to catch up with her, since I don’t see her often.
As for friendships, I agree with Val above with seeing friends as individuals. Our friends may not necessary click on the same wavelengths as we do, but they’re our friends for a reason.
“That was a realization that I can’t force others to do what I do and like what I like.”
I’m realizing I can’t force others to spend time with me. And that’s OKAY!
Thanks for your comment! And happy belated to you as well. Less is more, I’m beginning to agree. Mostly after big
“party” plans feel through. Moroccan sounds soo good, makes me actually miss NY.
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