Things I’m Not Sposta Say

Growing up an only child, it came natural to me, the feeling of loneliness. In 1992, my mother relocated us to Queens, New York. We lived in a house of many family members so although I was hardly ever alone physically, those feelings never ceased to leave. I had a rich imagination and an affinity for books so solitary play and reading became my escape.

Then I got older. Compaq was introduced to our household. AOL (America Online) mailed the household CD’s that offered 4,000 free hours for one month! Dial-up tied up phone lines and caused many feuds between the teenagers, adults and children in the house. I remember the evolution of Internet in my life. It went from playing online games on Nickelodeon, chatting on AOL Instant Messenger to looking for chat rooms, and making a virtual “diary” webpage. I had something I wanted to tell the world, and I would do it…given that someone would listen. Looking back at my prepubescent years and teenage years, I cried out a lot. Not with my voice but in the only way I knew how to express myself. I wrote.

Writing was an escape. It kept me from feeling lonely. I talked about my reality. I released anger. I had some hateful prose during my teenage years. Life was unfair. I hated my mother. Nothing I did was ever enough for her. If I got an A, she asked why not an A+.

Then I got a bit older. I made a promise to myself at one point that I wouldn’t write anything else unless it was positive. By then, depression had already invited itself into my life but I didn’t have a name for it. It’s not things we sposta say.

When I applied the thought of depression to my life I could always identify my symptoms but my circumstances never seemed to warrant the heaviness and depth of depression. To say I was depressed meant I wasn’t grateful for my blessings. That I was putting myself in a class with people with real life issues. The guilt trip made me feel like it was something I could never say out loud.

Although I’ve only recently come to terms with “claiming” this disease (because if you don’t claim it, you don’t got it, right?) I still think about my circumstances and can’t help but think I’m ungrateful. Depression is so sneaky. It’s a mental battle yielding physical ramifications and it always ends up having you blame yourself for how you feel. I no longer believe it’s something that can be prayed away. I’ve been living with it long enough to say that it doesn’t go away. I have high days, I have low days. One just learns how to cope. And hopefully, applies those coping mechanisms efficiently enough so as not to cause too much ruckus. The ripple effect hopefully is small, and life continues.

And life will…

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12 thoughts on “Things I’m Not Sposta Say

  1. I haven’t had strong depression issues for some years. I think it was after my bit in this outpatient program at a mental hospital I went to. It was also after a little suicidal attempt. Depression is a monster. You have to use multiple avenues to fight it. I use a combination of praying, meditating, (use to use meds but that was my avenue for trying to kill myself so I’m not too fond of meds. Actually scared of them), and forcing myself to apply positive behavioral techniques to my thinking processes. Every approach doesn’t work for everyone. You gotta find your own thing. I known people to have success with marijuana as well. Yes, I know that was a taboo thing that people hate to talk about but it is successful as well. I spent years working on trying, discovering and implementing different methods to help me out. I’m not perfect but I’m getting excellent results now. Just keep on your journey of fighting depression. You are starting young which is a good thing. You will get your body balanced in no time. =)

  2. I first remember being depressed at about 4 or 5. It’s been a constant part of my life since. It took me a really long while to realize that it was just always going to be there. I did know it wasn’t situational though. Because even when I was happy I was a little sad.

    Depression is very hard to deal with, but, honestly the worse part for me is the feeling that I really can’t tell anyone about it because they won’t understand. Most people assume depression is a transient thing and you can just pull yourself out of it. Or they think you are totally nuts since to them mental illness is mental illness. There’s not a difference to some people between severe psychosis and depression.

    Sigh.

    Hang in there. And, thanks for your honesty. It always helps to know that I’m not the only one. You don’t suffer from agoraphobia too, do you? 🙂

    1. One of my newest and greatest joys of blogging is having someone tell me: me too. There’s something in knowing you’re not alone (like you mentioned).
      “Because even when I was happy I was a little sad.”
      Everyone has their own personal views on depression and some people will never understand, or probably don’t want to understand. Sometimes it’s hard to judge who will be open to such information. Dispelling myths is also great.
      I’m tired of keeping secrets, so that’s my MOTS with this post, I guess.
      Thanks for sharing, as well. I am curious to know how you fight it though?

      1. The first step was to stop blaming myself and to stop being angry at myself for my depression. That was difficult but over time I’ve been able to let that anger and guilt go.

        I tried medication for a bit but the side effects where only adding to my depression. So, now I’m just very aware that I will have bad moments, bad days and occasionally bad weeks. For me acceptance has made it easier to deal with.

        In the long term, I s guess I’m holding out hope that there will be some kind of therapy that will help. In the mean time I am just trying to be as positive as possible.

        And you mention ‘high days’. I don’t really have high days. But, I have high months. Every few years I experience one to two months of very high mental and physical energy. Not to the point of being manic but certainly much higher energy levels than my norm. Does this happen to you?

      2. I don’t think I would want to try medication, for fear of dependency and I just don’t like foreign agents in my body. My days are variable, I don’t really notice higher energy per se during any particular time. I think for me is just more situational.
        I’m definitely happier during the summer months, but that’s just because I am not a winter person. Hopefully another move further West will help with that.

  3. Yes, yes Trace, life definitely moves forward as it should. I had to learn and re-learn this truth time and time again as I underwent a troublesome time in my life involving my young daughters once upon a time. Even now I have my highs and lows, as you stated. Just the way it is. I like that you too find solace within your writings. Isn’t that one of the most peaceful feelings in the world? And only those of us who pretty much HAVE to write to make sense of things will understand this fact.

    I adore this post and comments so much.

    On another note, I smiled so hard where you spoke of AOL. Add me to the list of people who collected those discs in order to never pay for service. Lol. Good memories. I still know my screen name: Y2KProdigalSon

      1. Back then, the year 2000 was supposed to be this coming-of-age thing so the Y2K (year 2000) moniker was popular. I always liked the story of the prodigal son in the bible, so in that moment where I was to chose a screen name, it just popped in my head. As for minus the bars, it basically comes from a verse in Jay Z’s song where he says, “The label of a snitch is a lifetime scar, you’ll always be in jail, just minus the bars.” I love rap music and at the time the Stop Snitching campaign was in full effect, so I thought “minus the bars” was cool. It was also the name of my street lit novel that was purchased by Triple Crown Publications but never published in May ’09 for legal reasons (could not obtain clearances from various departments of law enforcement for the true story I wrote).

        I feel like I just told a history lesson. Lol.

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