The M Word

Her: “Do you want kids?”

Me: “Today I do. I don’t know about tomorrow.”

I’ve been recently thinking about how different my life would be if I had a child. Specifically, Am I really ready to give up my time? 

I know that there are big unspeakable sacrifices to be made when one decides to bring life into this world. And I know that somehow, if I decide to take that step, I will gladly accept that challenge. But is it selfish to say otherwise, that I don’t want to fully and completely give up my time EVER? Does this somehow, make me a bad person? Not a “real” woman because I don’t want to be a mother?

No. As actress Joy Bryant eloquently points out in her essay defending her life decision:

Motherhood, in all its beautiful significance, is a job I do not want.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think I can handle it. That doesn’t mean I don’t admire and honor all the mothers in my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a special heart for the children I use my skills and training to service. It just means I can make a choice on what my purpose is going in this lifetime. And I shouldn’t have to defend it, but depending on the approach, I don’t mind engaging in the conversation.

I’m not sure what stance I take. I haven’t completely decided. These days, I’m not only fantasizing of the “fairy tale” of motherhood, but also of the habits I don’t want to change in my life. The sacrifices that are not in poems on Mother’s Day cards or very much talked about.

I like to sleep. I like to eat out excessively, I like to wake up when my body wakes me up on Saturdays. I like to work on my schedule. I like my weekends, and every second of free time that I can steal during the week. I like my life this way.

Speaking, writing, and living my truth. No apologies.


The M Word

9 thoughts on “The M Word

  1. As a mother of two, if I have learned anything between children.. 10 year gap. Make sure if you decide to have kids to be mental, financially and all that other jazz. Being a mom is a job in itself. Yes, it has it own rewards but there is no manual teaching you how to be one.

    The choice is yours, and no your not selfish to say that you don’t want kids. If your lucky enough to have nieces and nephews, or godchildren spoil them and give them back.

    I hate when people bad mouth people who choose not to have kids, or rush people to have kids. Your decision is just that yours.

    1. That’s just it. Sure you can measure the “mark” of being financially ready by saving XX amount of money, by cancelling XX amount of debt but does that really mean you’re financially responsible? you know how to prioritize your money? Not necessarily. What does it mean to be mentally ready? I don’t think anything in life really mimics what it means to have a child but….having a child. So you hit the nail on the head, there’s no just move through it the same way we tackle things we don’t necessarily have the most experience with..with faith, grace and forgiveness for ourselves because we are going to make mistakes. We are bound to need help, etc. I don’t think the choice is as easy as for sure I don’t want any, or yes I want a baby all the time. I think that having a safe space to engage in these conversations is a start. Thanks for engaging with me. 🙂

  2. This has always been me. I’m undecided. They make my heart leap with joy and their so beautiful but I hate having to think for another human being. When you cry I want you to figure it out. But, foe the past couple months I’ve been babysitting for the heck of it for a friend but when I say those few hours are love…and when the baby falls asleep in your arms or when my niece asks me silly questions like aunt wanda why are your eyebrows black lol. I’m being sold to the idea…then I get scared…like what about carrying life for almost a whole yr. Argh

    1. Sounds like you want to skip babies, toddlers and maybe jump straight to 6-7 years old. lol Being around some young children definitely makes you put yourself in that role. Being in a relationship where you could see one another nurturing that child makes you have a different perspective. It’s one of those life decisions that requires so much more thought that I think people don’t consider.

      1. Well that would be great but Sunday an 11 month old fell asleep in my arms and I swear I smelled him all day. 😂 I get confused. I definitely want to foster children though we shall see what life brings 🙂

  3. Don says:

    Good post, very insightful. You already know what I ultimately say: if you want to have kids, that makes a lot of sense. If you don’t want to have kids, then that too makes a lot of sense. Both make a lot of sense cause you would’ve decided for yourself based on your own personal decision.

    1. Hard decision. I currently waiver back and forth and it’s easy to think that if my situation was different, I may be influenced a certain way. I’m in the position to say right now, “What do I want for my life?” And I go “Not sure, don’t know, yes, no, maybe, perhaps if…”#life

  4. anotherclosethippie says:

    Beautifully honest post. I have definitely felt like this at times. But then it’s been a tug of war. Because they’re just so darn cute 😉

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