Pushing, moving, working

Spring is moving in, and the mornings feel glorious now. I had to brighten up the blog around here, what do you think?

Even the rainy days are necessary and welcomed. Last night, the sky ominously turned shades of gray before the sun was officially to set. An orchestra of thunder paraded the sky. It was a scary sight to be driving around in, but when the rain came down, it reminded me of Costa Rica. It was one of those hard rain showers, that first fell as sloppy drops before they turned into uniform sheets of water. It felt as if the sky’s regrets came violently drop by drop.

The mood reminded of me of Carl Thomas’ Summer Rain song. It was wonderful opening my balcony door and listening to the sheets of rain coming down. I got to cool down my humid apartment with the wind coming in. I am missing home at this time, that very enigmatic concept of home. Except I’m not exactly sure what “home” I’m missing.

Home is whatever you want it to be, in my opinion. It can be a place, a feeling, family members, friends, food, good memories. Or a new tradition. New experience. A place you desire to be your home.

I’ve been living in this area for going on 3 years. Not quite sure it’s “home” yet. And maybe it’s not meant to be. It could be a transition to my next experience, the journey to finding my new traditions. I made some great memories here. Accomplished some great things. I got a second chance at a career, and I’m finishing my first year in the field come July. I’ve been in love. I’ve been in lust. I am in love. I made friends. Friends left the area. Classmates also stayed. It’s been crazy. I’ve had lows and highs, and I’ve also met some really memorable people. I’ve pushed, I’ve moved. I am working. I’m “adulting” with my own apartment (sorta), bills, car notes, federal loans. Man, the grind is real.

I’ve done some significant work on myself, addressing my mental health issues. Last week, I began taking anti-depressants. I’m giving it a shot for 5 weeks. This was not a small decision, but I made an adult decision about how I want to manage my current symptoms. To be honest it seems like I’ve barely grazed the surface on the amount of work that needs to be done.

But I’m no quitter. 🙂 Happy Spring!

What does home mean to you? Do you inhabit home right now?

She

ReTracing 2011

Reflection Question: Where did 2011 begin?

I feel like I’ve been talking about 2011 since it begun, so I’m trying not to talk myself out of this post before it even begins. In totality, 2011 has been a catalyst for change in my life. I was comfortable in the beginning of the year. At 25 years old, I had yet to experience true heartbreak, grief, loneliness, disappointment and feelings of worthlessness. The year begun with my Tia in her last month of life, loosing her courageous fight against what begun as colon cancer. I witnessed  first hand a life being depleted from a body, but was reassured in my Tia’s steadfast faith and knowledge that her body was only a temporary condition, and the spirit–eternal. In the beginning of the year I was fighting for an almost 3-year relationship that I believed would culminate in marriage. In the beginning of the year I had no idea how my publishing internships would turn into full-time work, but was holding on to the idea that writing for a living could be profitable. In the beginning of the year I learned how callous the corporate world could be, after receiving an e-mail from my boss of 5 years that I was laid off days after my Tia was laid to rest in Costa Rica. In the span of months I had lost a family member, my job, my relationship and had to physically relocate because I was living with my ex.

In the face of fight or flight– I flew. I got a one-way ticket to Costa Rica, not knowing how long I would stay or how I would pick up the pieces of my life which I clearly had no control over. Enter Globe Tracer, this blog, which was birthed out of my need to document my time in Costa Rica and lessons I learned in my recovery period, if you will. Eventually what ended up happening was those things that angered me the most– getting fired and dumped over e-mail, became those things that set things in stone for me. I know I deserved more respect than that, but how long could I stay angry at those people and expect to keep moving forward? I definitely couldn’t change what they had done, and they probably will never know how DEEP that cut me. So what could I change? To this day, I repeat this anecdote to myself on those days that unforgiveness and angering thoughts replay in my head.

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

It’s so simple, yet, plenty of us are intoxicating ourselves daily.  Forgiveness is not an easy formula, a one-size-fits-all for every person and every situation. But acknowledging you need to forgive someone and taking the steps you need, at your pace, to DO it is imperative. More for you, than anyone else.  There is an indescrible freedom in forgiveness, if you stick with the journey. I am not at that point 100% yet, but I won’t stop until I get there…

#Godisworking,

She