Cinco Dias: Reality Check

When life gets real hard, or I feel like I’m limbo, or overwhelmed I can’t organize my thoughts into a cohesive post.

I want to write, but I hold back. I feel:

Dramatic. Ridiculous. Uninspired.

I’m my biggest critic. I criticize every post I type, to the point that I hinder authenticity at times.

Mostly my circumstances recently have made me feel:

Frustrated. Guilty. Childish. Like One who Lacks Faith.

The Cancerian in me wants to crawl into my crabby shell and come back out with more confidence. More than half of the time, I write to inspire myself. To soothe my worrywart mentality, to remind myself that I’m not the first or the last to transition to a new city, to push myself to have a better outlook when things aren’t going according to my schedule.

I won’t sit here and brag like I’m the most positive person ever. God’s still working on me.

I call myself a realist, which in my eyes is the happy medium to between an optimist and pessimist. But time and time again, I get the same test of faith. And I fail in my eyes.

This past week in my new city has taken me up and down. I’m over the honeymoon stage, I did realize that much.

My first encounter with this City happened on the eve of my 24th birthday. I was in a serious relationship then, younger, in a dead-end job that was barely paying me enough to take 2 week vacations that left me wanting more. But I was working towards goals, so that kept me going.

Initially, I got really good feelings and vibes from this place. There’s lots of culture, history, and growth happening.

I still feel that way.

Me, at 23

Today, the good vibes are still in the air. Although I want to fast forward through this time known as graduate school, I know that this discipline, time and commitment is for my own good.

Like the motto from the last post: No one said it would be easy… but I have no doubt it’s worth it.

Being out of my comfort zone has also opened my eyes to other truths.

If someone happens to ask me for the time, I am inclined to shake my head and say “Sorry, I don’t have it.”

When I get off the metro and walk on the sidewalk in certain neighborhoods, I’m holding my clutch purse to my person and walking purposely and rapidly.

I will probably never enjoy listening to music in my headphones traveling at night.

I will think twice when I wear my flashy little watch, especially at night.

Purchasing mace online is on my To Do List.

Call me paranoid, or someone who’s OD-ing. This is City life sometimes. I take safe over sorry any day.

So Life, I have no idea where you are taking me for the next 2 years. But I’m gonna keep walking. And when I can’t walk anymore, I’m going to TRUST that He will carry me.




Cinco Dias: Reality Check

Au Revoir 2011

Reflection Question: Write a love letter to your future self a year from now.

Dearest She,

You are strong. You are beautiful, and you are unique. Anybody would be blessed to know you as a friend because you are supportive, loyal and write some damn good birthday cards. Although you don’t have many people that you call friends, there’s nothing wrong with you because you are picky. But there is something wrong with holding on to people you know should no longer be in your life. Friends do come with expiration dates.

This year you’ve learned not to take what friends do or don’t do, personally. You’ve let go of holding grudges against people because they don’t call you, or they don’t respond to your calls, or they don’t check up on you. You’re understanding that there are different types of friendships, and not everyone is like you. People show love in different ways, and they may simply not speak the same love language you do.

Career-wise, the seemingly unfortunate series of events earlier this year have actually given you the kick in the behind to get back to school. Truth be told, it’s hard to take the initiative when things are comfortable. Right now you may be unsure about a lot of things. You think you’re not smart enough to Ace these speech-related courses. You think you’re too old to compete with the 20 and 21 year old brains. You think you won’t get accepted into graduate school, and you secretely hope you don’t get accepted so that things could be easier. So that you have a reason excuse not try harder. It’s easier not to try. It’s easier to give up when you have faced rejection.

But you’ve faced rejection OVER and OVER again this year. You were rejected by your ex-boyfriend. You were rejected by your former boss who let you go. You were rejected by the camp supervisor who didn’t give you a job this summer. And yet, you survived. You finished your first semester of accelerated pre-req’s with a 3.4 GPA. Not too bad. It was a shock; the country town, the coursework, the lack of a real life social network, the style of teaching…but you still came out on top. So you have no idea what school you’ll be accepted to, where you’re going to live, if this field is really your calling, but will you be paralyzed by FEAR? Or will you learn how to work to your full potential and carry on? Will you finally trust in God’s unchanging hand? Not only to say you trust, but to act, and talk like you trust?!

Things you need to work on in 2012:

  • motivating yourself- self-talk works!
  • stop interrupting people when they are talking. Interrupting people shows them you don’t honor their opinion, and that what you have to say is much more important.
  • not relying on having other people around to have a good time
  • being generally more positive, and not cynical
  • restoring faith in the institution of marriage
  • devotional time with God (Bible-reading and mediation)
  • eating healthier
Key Moments you shouldn’t forget of 2011:
  • Making beet salad (in Costa Rica, we call it ensalada Rusa) for houses you visited for Thanksgiving, just to have people look at you like you were offering them cocaine.
  • Your god-daughter’s fascination with cameras.
  • You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.
  • What you focus on, increases. (The Noticer by Andy Andrews)
  • You kissed your first white boy.
  • You had your first real extended hangover.
  • You let yourself be loved.
  • You were introduced to Citizen Cope and have a crush on Drake.
  • You met some inspiring bloggers, click on names for sites (@blaqdaisy, @up4dsn, @moetwithmedusa, @minusthebars, @BrittShelton1, @cgryp, @mindofadiva@IAmNikks, @inspired_enigma  just to name a few)
Remember that there is life after heartbreak, people who seem to be living more comfortable on the outside may be living in hell internally, and that walking down the street with a smile on my face can brighten someone else’s day.
Here’s to a memorable 2012! I wish all of you a safe and amazing New Year celebration.
Until next year,
Au Revoir 2011