The M Word

Her: “Do you want kids?”

Me: “Today I do. I don’t know about tomorrow.”

I’ve been recently thinking about how different my life would be if I had a child. Specifically, Am I really ready to give up my time? 

I know that there are big unspeakable sacrifices to be made when one decides to bring life into this world. And I know that somehow, if I decide to take that step, I will gladly accept that challenge. But is it selfish to say otherwise, that I don’t want to fully and completely give up my time EVER? Does this somehow, make me a bad person? Not a “real” woman because I don’t want to be a mother?

No. As actress Joy Bryant eloquently points out in her essay defending her life decision:

Motherhood, in all its beautiful significance, is a job I do not want.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think I can handle it. That doesn’t mean I don’t admire and honor all the mothers in my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a special heart for the children I use my skills and training to service. It just means I can make a choice on what my purpose is going in this lifetime. And I shouldn’t have to defend it, but depending on the approach, I don’t mind engaging in the conversation.

I’m not sure what stance I take. I haven’t completely decided. These days, I’m not only fantasizing of the “fairy tale” of motherhood, but also of the habits I don’t want to change in my life. The sacrifices that are not in poems on Mother’s Day cards or very much talked about.

I like to sleep. I like to eat out excessively, I like to wake up when my body wakes me up on Saturdays. I like to work on my schedule. I like my weekends, and every second of free time that I can steal during the week. I like my life this way.

Speaking, writing, and living my truth. No apologies.

-She

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The M Word

The “I don’t Wanna’s”

cry baby

It’s May 19th. While I lay in my bed with my space heater on blast, I can’t help but mentally fast-forward to the summertime. I want the heat, I want the lazy days, I want the “summer projects.” There’s almost 30 days left in the school year. I’m experiencing burn out with the amount of work that’s left to do, to not only close out a school year, but also clean out the speech room. The school where I’m assigned is closing. Just about every morning goes like:

I don’t wanna get up.

I don’t wanna be at that building.

I don’t wanna see [redacted]’s face.

I don’t wanna do therapy.

I don’t wanna write notes.

I don’t wanna plan.

I don’t wanna test. 

I don’t wanna type up a report. Or an IEP. 

I’ll be so glad when June 21st gets here. I don’t want to rush summer, but it’s VERY. MUCH. NEEDED. When the case of “I don’t wanna’s” hit, I am also reminded that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This time shall pass. I try to focus on other things going on. Things that make me happy.

The thought of reading books.

Game of Thrones.

Food. And Drank. BBQ’s.

Making summer plans. Planning trips.

Thinking about what new positions to pursue. Actually searching and applying for them.

Spending time with Brandon. Traveling with him.

Cleaning out my home office, that has been in the same condition for 8 months.

Planning Book Chats. Writing.

The things that center me, the things I can do right from the comfort of my home. I try to remember that I can find some happiness in the simple things. That my home is a refuge, a safe place to lay down all my cares when I don’t want to deal with the world.

-She

 

 

The “I don’t Wanna’s”

Graduation ReCap: I’m a Master!

It’s still a bit surreal, the thought that I’m done with school and won’t see my classmates in the same room for a while. After 2 years of having classes together, it’s a routine that was as natural as taking a shower. We all came from different parts of the country, and  some people are going home, while others have decided to stay in the DMV (District, Maryland and Virginia) area.

Now what? Real adult life begins with job hunting.

The graduation festivities included hosting family from New York, Florida, Costa Rica and Los Angeles. It was lots of work, and I realized how my apartment was not really equipped for large numbers of people. For one, we don’t really have a “common area.” No table or chairs to sit and eat which meant that everyone kind of just found a chair and a piece of kitchen counter space and had their dinner. The common area thing was never an issue for me since I had most of my meals in my bedroom. And my roommate and I hardly see each other, let alone have time to eat together (I have offered her some food when we are cooking in the kitchen together). Besides that, to cut on costs and to prevent people from saying they couldn’t make graduation, I rented out the apartment across the hall so that people would have somewhere to stay without paying exorbitant hotel prices. That was an interesting set up, with air mattresses and temporary set ups for the couple of days people were in town. All in all, hosting is fun, and even better when you can accommodate folk in a good space with amenities.

It’s a bit sad to be at the end of the road. A week ago, I had 2 apartments full of people and now… I’m sitting in my room thinking about what kind of shenanigans I will get into this summer. And how I will afford them. The dust from celebrations has definitely settled. The bills are real.

I’m not too worried, though.

-She

Below are just some pics from the graduation and the weekend. Enjoy!

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I call this…The perfect blended family. My mom, me and my father’s girlfriend.
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“No caption necessary”
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1+1= Tracey
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My fave girl
Graduation ReCap: I’m a Master!