It’s Monday night. I have paperwork to do, so naturally, I’m blogging instead. It’s the end of the first quarter and I have progress reports due, daily notes to catch up on, two reports, and meetings to prepare for. Oh yea, and I have to plan daily for therapy. I’ve given myself a break off Twitter because sometimes breaks are necessary. I am sitting at my dining room table which I never do alone, but because I paid for the table I figured I should use it for more than storing paperwork and appliances that don’t fit on my counter tops.
I’m in a bleh place right now. The glass of wine is helping me (maybe) but I am constantly in my head now-a-days trying to sort through being in an uncomfortable place. Instead of dwelling in the uncomfortable present, I do what comes naturally: I plan for the future. So, right now I’m thinking about the professional conference I’m attending in November, the plans for Thanksgiving…and possibly winter break. I’m spending money before it hits my account. I’m thinking about adopting a kitten. I’m wondering how travel is going to affect me taking care of a cat. I’m thinking about where I will be next October 31st. Anywhere but here. Okay, not anywhere.
So. The exercise is to be here.
In the present, I’m heartbroken. I’m trying to take things day by day, but it still hurts. I’m trying to function and I don’t feel like myself, just a version of myself who longs to get the day over with so I can go home and take off the mask. A mal tiempo, buena cara I wrote on June 11, 2011. ‘During bad times, put on your best face.’ Well, I don’t wanna. But, even if I don’t want to, the world still requires a lot of me, and I don’t have the privilege not to be present.
In the present, written affirmations a la Mary Jane Paul, friends, distractions, work, doing those things I love when I can, nail polish, blog posts, lists, my therapist, white wine, my clients, rupi kaur, and music pushes me forward.
Doy gracias a la vida.
(From 6-11-11) Moral of the story: Whatever you need to, wherever you need to go to get back to happy- do that! No matter how impossible it might seem. If things are that bad right now that most mornings you don’t want to get out of bed, hide under the sheets for a couple of days, bawl your eyes out, let the ugly out. But remember you have to face the world sometime, and when you do, put on your best face!
The world needs you & me.
Following After Love Leading (F.A.L.L.),
-She
globetracer 