The “I don’t Wanna’s”

It’s May 19th. While I lay in my bed with my space heater on blast, I can’t help but mentally fast-forward to the summertime. I want the heat, I want the lazy days, I want the “summer projects.” There’s almost 30 days left in the school year. I’m experiencing burn out with the amount of work that’s left to do, to not only close out a school year, but also clean out the speech room. The school where I’m assigned is closing. Just about every morning goes like:

I don’t wanna get up.

I don’t wanna be at that building.

I don’t wanna see [redacted]’s face.

I don’t wanna do therapy.

I don’t wanna write notes.

I don’t wanna plan.

I don’t wanna test. 

I don’t wanna type up a report. Or an IEP. 

I’ll be so glad when June 21st gets here. I don’t want to rush summer, but it’s VERY. MUCH. NEEDED. When the case of “I don’t wanna’s” hit, I am also reminded that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This time shall pass. I try to focus on other things going on. Things that make me happy.

The thought of reading books.

Game of Thrones.

Food. And Drank. BBQ’s.

Making summer plans. Planning trips.

Thinking about what new positions to pursue. Actually searching and applying for them.

Spending time with Brandon. Traveling with him.

Cleaning out my home office, that has been in the same condition for 8 months.

Planning Book Chats. Writing.

The things that center me, the things I can do right from the comfort of my home. I try to remember that I can find some happiness in the simple things. That my home is a refuge, a safe place to lay down all my cares when I don’t want to deal with the world.

-She

 

 

Pushing, moving, working

Spring is moving in, and the mornings feel glorious now. I had to brighten up the blog around here, what do you think?

Even the rainy days are necessary and welcomed. Last night, the sky ominously turned shades of gray before the sun was officially to set. An orchestra of thunder paraded the sky. It was a scary sight to be driving around in, but when the rain came down, it reminded me of Costa Rica. It was one of those hard rain showers, that first fell as sloppy drops before they turned into uniform sheets of water. It felt as if the sky’s regrets came violently drop by drop.

The mood reminded of me of Carl Thomas’ Summer Rain song. It was wonderful opening my balcony door and listening to the sheets of rain coming down. I got to cool down my humid apartment with the wind coming in. I am missing home at this time, that very enigmatic concept of home. Except I’m not exactly sure what “home” I’m missing.

Home is whatever you want it to be, in my opinion. It can be a place, a feeling, family members, friends, food, good memories. Or a new tradition. New experience. A place you desire to be your home.

I’ve been living in this area for going on 3 years. Not quite sure it’s “home” yet. And maybe it’s not meant to be. It could be a transition to my next experience, the journey to finding my new traditions. I made some great memories here. Accomplished some great things. I got a second chance at a career, and I’m finishing my first year in the field come July. I’ve been in love. I’ve been in lust. I am in love. I made friends. Friends left the area. Classmates also stayed. It’s been crazy. I’ve had lows and highs, and I’ve also met some really memorable people. I’ve pushed, I’ve moved. I am working. I’m “adulting” with my own apartment (sorta), bills, car notes, federal loans. Man, the grind is real.

I’ve done some significant work on myself, addressing my mental health issues. Last week, I began taking anti-depressants. I’m giving it a shot for 5 weeks. This was not a small decision, but I made an adult decision about how I want to manage my current symptoms. To be honest it seems like I’ve barely grazed the surface on the amount of work that needs to be done.

But I’m no quitter. 🙂 Happy Spring!

What does home mean to you? Do you inhabit home right now?

She

Changes: 2013

I find it real ironic how inclined I am to blog when I’m in the thick of my semester. It’s easy to pull myself from something I don’t want to do (reading, homework, research) to something I can do with my eyes closed. But the moment I get some free time and have nothing to do, blogging is but a mere fantasy. Nevertheless, I’m here!

I’ve been on a kinda break, meaning I’m officially done with my second semester of graduate school! Man, that sucka almost beat me. It was the toughest yet. We had a writing intensive class, Sociolinguistics, in which we had to produce two 20 page papers (double-spaced) and I’m pretty sure I’ve done as much writing in one semester than my whole Bachelor’s degree in English language and literature. According to the class that just graduated, it’s the hardest semester of the program. Glad that’s over.

Lots of changes are happening this spring and summer and I’d thought I’d share.

I’m a Second Year Graduate Student Now! Come this Fall, a new batch of newbies will be coming in. Ahhhh! Where did the time go?!

I’m a Bridesmaid on Wednesday! 

Remember when I was so excited about the news that I would be a bridesmaid? Well, to be honest I’ve had very limited participation due to 1) graduate school and 2) distance. My best friend lives in Las Vegas and would literally just send e-mails asking for opinions and ideas. I’m not blaming her, but this e-age kills the beauty in certain things. Maybe planning a wedding is just stressful and not supposed to be fun, but it’s definitely made me think twice about the way I want to do things when it’s my turn. Either way, this next week it’s going to be all about Rosie and I’m going to try my best to do what she asks so that her wedding is as memorable as it should be. Maybe the fact that I’m physically there and am extra set of hands for her will be good, but for now I don’t feel very accomplished as a bridesmaid.

My Roommate is Moving Out. I have one more year of graduate school and was actually looking to move walking distance to campus for next semester. Financially, that’s not possible this summer. Therefore, I’m going to sign another yearly lease where I reside now. My roommate has opted not to. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t doing somersaults inside. This roommate situation has been tolerable and not enjoyable. Namely, we don’t communicate very well. It didn’t start out that way. We started out very ambitious. But somewhere along the road, I found myself very annoyed and living with someone I felt was good at talking, but not good at doing. Also, I felt like the mother in the situation– the one who made decisions, and then made sure there was follow through. That’s not what I signed up for. Most of our communication is electronic  at this point (basically, the internet is the devil of this century) and because of it we have not made any progress. This change does not mean I will be living alone. I will be living with another roommate, but am screening more carefully this second go round! #chances

I’m Knee-Deep in a Relationship. I know you’re like, when do you even have time for a relationship? Well, I strongly believe in academics and keeping focused but the key to staying sane is also being social. And that includes having me-time and boo time. Things work because his schedule is very demanding so we have healthy time apart, and then squeeze in some fun times together. It works. We work. I’m happy.

I’m Working For Money. This summer, I’m finding time to get me a paying job (already secured one) before the fall begins again. Not only is the loan money dwindling, but I’m also taking an online class that I had to pay out of pocket. I will be plenty busy this summer, just like this time last year. Hustla, baby.

That’s about all for now folks,

She

Any new changes happening this season for you? Any advice on how to choose a stranger to live with? What are some potential roommate red flags? 

Last Leg in Costa Rica: Mini-Stories {2011}

I wasn’t able to access these pictures for a long time but it’s so nice to go back and remember moments my memory has neglected. Here’s just a sneak peak of my last leg of my hiatus from April-July 2011.

Auntie reading my spread in Bridal Guide magazine

Sunset on Tamarindo beach.

There’s no occasion too small for not wearing heels as a woman in Costa Rica.

Meat is cooked on this wood-burning stove.

The little girl I wanted to kidnap.

Ticos in school.

Amigas

 

What I would eat everyday if I could: patacon con frijoles molidos.

Let’s get lost?

Wanderlusting,

She