When life gets real hard, or I feel like I’m limbo, or overwhelmed I can’t organize my thoughts into a cohesive post.
I want to write, but I hold back. I feel:
Dramatic. Ridiculous. Uninspired.
I’m my biggest critic. I criticize every post I type, to the point that I hinder authenticity at times.
Mostly my circumstances recently have made me feel:
Frustrated. Guilty. Childish. Like One who Lacks Faith.
The Cancerian in me wants to crawl into my crabby shell and come back out with more confidence. More than half of the time, I write to inspire myself. To soothe my worrywart mentality, to remind myself that I’m not the first or the last to transition to a new city, to push myself to have a better outlook when things aren’t going according to my schedule.
I won’t sit here and brag like I’m the most positive person ever. God’s still working on me.
I call myself a realist, which in my eyes is the happy medium to between an optimist and pessimist. But time and time again, I get the same test of faith. And I fail in my eyes.
This past week in my new city has taken me up and down. I’m over the honeymoon stage, I did realize that much.
My first encounter with this City happened on the eve of my 24th birthday. I was in a serious relationship then, younger, in a dead-end job that was barely paying me enough to take 2 week vacations that left me wanting more. But I was working towards goals, so that kept me going.
Initially, I got really good feelings and vibes from this place. There’s lots of culture, history, and growth happening.
I still feel that way.
Today, the good vibes are still in the air. Although I want to fast forward through this time known as graduate school, I know that this discipline, time and commitment is for my own good.
Like the motto from the last post: No one said it would be easy… but I have no doubt it’s worth it.
Being out of my comfort zone has also opened my eyes to other truths.
If someone happens to ask me for the time, I am inclined to shake my head and say “Sorry, I don’t have it.”
When I get off the metro and walk on the sidewalk in certain neighborhoods, I’m holding my clutch purse to my person and walking purposely and rapidly.
I will probably never enjoy listening to music in my headphones traveling at night.
I will think twice when I wear my flashy little watch, especially at night.
Purchasing mace online is on my To Do List.
Call me paranoid, or someone who’s OD-ing. This is City life sometimes. I take safe over sorry any day.
So Life, I have no idea where you are taking me for the next 2 years. But I’m gonna keep walking. And when I can’t walk anymore, I’m going to TRUST that He will carry me.