Things I want to tell my mom

I think that a most special relationship is one between mother and daughter. I’m always fascinated to read fiction books about mothers and daughters, I tear up when I see special moments on TV, or even in real life. I’m aware of all the complexities that exist between being mothered, having to alter that relationship when daughter becomes an adult, and then possibly daughter becoming caretaker down the road. It truly does come full circle.

My mom became a teenage mother without having had a nurturing mother herself. There is a long list of qualities and knowledge she didn’t have, or possess when she became a mother. I can list many things I wish my mother did better. No parent is perfect. Instead of highlighting things that cannot be changed, I’d rather tell my mother some things I think she did superbly well.

mother-daughter
Lisa Bonet and Zoe.

Mom, 

I accept you for who you are. I don’t blame you for anything that you may feel you could have done better in raising me because I think you did the best you could have done with what you were given. Thank you for sharing with me about your past, I know it’s not easy for you to talk about after all this time.

I feel very blessed to have such a spunky and open-minded mother. I don’t have to worry about being someone I’m not, for you to approve. If I wanted to spend my days writing a book on a Greek island, I know you would support me. If I was anti-marriage, you would say “I understand.” If I decided to only eat red meat during odd numbered years, you would just ask “Are you eating meat this year?” with no judgment. You don’t try to impose your views on me and I respect that.

I know that we live States away from each other and you lead a very busy working life. I wish you didn’t have to work so hard, and I have big goals in my professional life to ease your load. As long as I can help, I will do so with no lament.

Thank you for sending me to California and South Carolina during some summers and exposing me to life outside of New York City. Thank you for making Christmases special and taking care of the cats I always wanted but didn’t want to actually clean after. Thank you for simply being there. Thank you for not accepting sub-par penmanship on my homework. Thank you for sending me greeting cards for every occasion and even for no occasion. Thank you for giving me a chance against many odds. 

With Love,

your daughter.

Things I want to tell my mom

What’s Rockin’ My World: End of the School Year

There’s no shortcut through the hard stuff. So stop running from it.

-She (October 26, 2015)

The last 5 days of school/work have been the longest days. I’m trying to be patient and focus on the paperwork+packing I have to finish as I transition out of this school. But I’m so distractible and everyone is annoying me. It’s too nice to be inside!! It’s been a tough week to say the least. But it’s looking up.

Here’s what is currently rockin’ my world:

  • Last Saturday was the 5 year anniversary of GlobeTracer. I wasn’t compelled to do the handwritten letter I usually do. I didn’t want to force anything. 5 years is a great milestone, I am thankful.
  • Burning Questions: Why do I want to fast-forward so much? I have to learn how to feel and be in uncomfortable places. It’s not fun, but I don’t gain what I have to when I’m constantly thinking about tomorrow, or the fall. Or 2017. Or when I live somewhere else…
  • I’m ready to do life with him. Being apart and seeing each other only on the weekend is starting to get to me.
  • I got a new couch! It’s mine and it’s new and it’s firm. How does one break these things in?
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Don’t look at my messy “office.”
  • About 2 weeks until Chicago! 🙂 First trip of the summer.
  • Burning Questions: What if I’m not sure what I really want? How do I know when to trust what I want is really what is right?
  • I got a retirement plan. Talk about #adulting. In 30 years, I’ll be 60 years old? How????
  • I’ve only read 2 books this year so far, but this summer I’ll do better!

Now it’s your turn!!

Tell me what’s currently rockin’ your world!! If this is your first time here, please say hello!

If you’re a long time reader- what’s something you want to keep reading about on the blog? why?

Thank you for visiting my little space,

-She

What’s Rockin’ My World: End of the School Year

Taking Risks: Summer 2016

Looking back in my archives of pictures in my inbox, I got some good laughs at some of the very bold things I did to my hair in my 20’s.

From the shortest hair-chop in 2010:

Shortest cut 2010

To my attempt at blonde:

Blondie

That color did not go well, and I “warmed up” and darkened it the next morning.

I lived the motto: Hair is a silly thing! I found it so freeing, to cut my hair and live my life simply getting used to the face looking back at me: raccoon eyes, big forehead, burgeoning curls, and cheekbones. I discovered eyelash extensions in NYC could take my “minimal make up” look to the next level. I discovered that I had the most confidence the shorter my hair length was. It takes a strong woman to be bold. It takes a confident man to love on that woman, too.

I still find it fun to experiment, but guardedly now. My last cut has not been my favorite to date, but I’ve altered it to where I feel comfortable now. Summer beckons and I got more exciting things to worry think about. I’ve got risks to take in the area of employment, entrepreneurship, and advancing my talk therapy goals. I’ve got places to see, new foods to eat, couches to break-in, trips to plan, wines to try, outfits to arrange, posts to write, word to devour, celebrations to partake in, offers to decline, plans to make, promises to witness.

Summer 2016 is looking great.

What risks are you taking this summer?

Taking Risks: Summer 2016

The M Word

Her: “Do you want kids?”

Me: “Today I do. I don’t know about tomorrow.”

I’ve been recently thinking about how different my life would be if I had a child. Specifically, Am I really ready to give up my time? 

I know that there are big unspeakable sacrifices to be made when one decides to bring life into this world. And I know that somehow, if I decide to take that step, I will gladly accept that challenge. But is it selfish to say otherwise, that I don’t want to fully and completely give up my time EVER? Does this somehow, make me a bad person? Not a “real” woman because I don’t want to be a mother?

No. As actress Joy Bryant eloquently points out in her essay defending her life decision:

Motherhood, in all its beautiful significance, is a job I do not want.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think I can handle it. That doesn’t mean I don’t admire and honor all the mothers in my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a special heart for the children I use my skills and training to service. It just means I can make a choice on what my purpose is going in this lifetime. And I shouldn’t have to defend it, but depending on the approach, I don’t mind engaging in the conversation.

I’m not sure what stance I take. I haven’t completely decided. These days, I’m not only fantasizing of the “fairy tale” of motherhood, but also of the habits I don’t want to change in my life. The sacrifices that are not in poems on Mother’s Day cards or very much talked about.

I like to sleep. I like to eat out excessively, I like to wake up when my body wakes me up on Saturdays. I like to work on my schedule. I like my weekends, and every second of free time that I can steal during the week. I like my life this way.

Speaking, writing, and living my truth. No apologies.

-She

The M Word

The “I don’t Wanna’s”

cry baby

It’s May 19th. While I lay in my bed with my space heater on blast, I can’t help but mentally fast-forward to the summertime. I want the heat, I want the lazy days, I want the “summer projects.” There’s almost 30 days left in the school year. I’m experiencing burn out with the amount of work that’s left to do, to not only close out a school year, but also clean out the speech room. The school where I’m assigned is closing. Just about every morning goes like:

I don’t wanna get up.

I don’t wanna be at that building.

I don’t wanna see [redacted]’s face.

I don’t wanna do therapy.

I don’t wanna write notes.

I don’t wanna plan.

I don’t wanna test. 

I don’t wanna type up a report. Or an IEP. 

I’ll be so glad when June 21st gets here. I don’t want to rush summer, but it’s VERY. MUCH. NEEDED. When the case of “I don’t wanna’s” hit, I am also reminded that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This time shall pass. I try to focus on other things going on. Things that make me happy.

The thought of reading books.

Game of Thrones.

Food. And Drank. BBQ’s.

Making summer plans. Planning trips.

Thinking about what new positions to pursue. Actually searching and applying for them.

Spending time with Brandon. Traveling with him.

Cleaning out my home office, that has been in the same condition for 8 months.

Planning Book Chats. Writing.

The things that center me, the things I can do right from the comfort of my home. I try to remember that I can find some happiness in the simple things. That my home is a refuge, a safe place to lay down all my cares when I don’t want to deal with the world.

-She

 

 

The “I don’t Wanna’s”

Things that are Rockin’ My World: Is it June Yet?

Teachers be like

  • Testing and IEP Meetings
  • What my summer is going to look like. It’s still a blank slate.
  • I’m about 3 months away from 31. I like that number.
  • I’m in love.
  • I go back and forth between wanting a cat and a baby. On most days, it’s a cat.
  • I’m going to Chicago for Fourth of July and I want a foolproof way not to go broke.
  • I miss Costa Rica.
  • I am ready for a new work setting.
  • Game of Thrones is coming back on this weekend and I haven’t re-watched Season 5.
  • I’m not ready for my Sundays evenings to be kidnapped by HBO.
  • The internet will be broken this weekend after Beyoncé releases her new music.
  • The internet will be obsessed with talking about Yoncé for the week to follow.
  • Spring weather keeps playing with my emotions.
  • I love waking up to the sun shining into my bedroom and apartment.
  • Spring is my new favorite season.
  • I need new, simple recipes.

What’s currently Rockin’ Your World?

 

Things that are Rockin’ My World: Is it June Yet?

We Went to Costa Rica…

…and now we are truly sad to be back.

Highlights:

  • We rented a car. We named her Sandy. Not the best pick-up for managing driving up the rolling hills, but she pulled through. Gas mileage was great!

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    Sandy chilling in Manuel Antonio
  • We got an AirBnB in Manuel Antonio. It was pretty nice/comfortable and we will probably keep doing AirBnB’s when we return. We woke up to this:

PS- Those howler monkeys look like this:

howler monkey

  • We ate so good. Fresh, delicious, sweet fruits for breakfast and in juice form. The way God intended us to have them (*clears throat* with a little tequila.)
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2×1= AKA Happy Hour
  • Bran got a lesson in maneuvering the curves and mountains in Costa Rica.
  • Endless beautiful sights of the coast line and countrysideIMG_3495

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  • The Arenal Volcano unveiled herself.

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  • And the most important highlight: Love was grown. 

    IMG_3563

    Pura Vida,IMG_3685

We Went to Costa Rica…