A couple of weeks ago, I was on a high about living on my own for the first time. But just as there’s perks, there’s also the downside to turning the key and knowing no one else is home. My apartment is a quiet oasis.
But no distractions don’t mean full productivity all the time.
Part of my issue is that at least for this semester, I have to adjust to living without internet. Who the heck lives without internet at home in the 21st century? A broke college student! When you have to decide between groceries or internet, necessity wins every time. Starvation is a slow death but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone dying from lack of social interaction. The downside to that is that I don’t get to Tweet or blog as often as I’d like, or with the real-time impulse that makes some posts so authentic. So I’ve had to readjust my blogging habits; I write my posts ahead of time which leads to more time to edit and perfect my craft but may also lead to unpublished pieces (sometimes when you have enough time to think, you talk yourself out of posting). The upside to no internet is that I’m not wasting a whole lot of time web surfing when I should be studying, etc. Also, when I have to walk to campus or the local Library for internet, I tend to cherish the time I spend online more because I know that I won’t be online that night.
Besides the internet hurdle (which I’m sure I’ll survive), the other downside to living alone is that SILENCE IS LOUD. After a while, my music playlist is played out and I’m finding ways to fill the space with some noise. Being alone with ones thoughts can be brutal sometimes, as you may already know, because your mind tends to want to haunt you with deep questions that rattle your whole existence. So more likely than not, I have to quiet the following doubts:
What do you really think you’re doing back in school?
Do you think you’re smart enough to make it to grad school?
You can’t afford this, and debt is not an easy monkey to get off your back.
Then I remember how I got here in the first place. How I was in Costa Rica making phone calls to the Department Chair wanting to know if I had gotten accepted into the program. And how although I was in the bottom of the pile, after I called and reiterated that I was the one with two last names, that same week I snagged one of the last 12 spots! This year has been full of lots of crests and troughs, but all in all, I wouldn’t change a thing. NOT A THING. And so even at the end of the day, when reality hits and I know I can’t have it all…all I pray for is PEACE OF MIND.