Things I want to tell my mom

I think that a most special relationship is one between mother and daughter. I’m always fascinated to read fiction books about mothers and daughters, I tear up when I see special moments on TV, or even in real life. I’m aware of all the complexities that exist between being mothered, having to alter that relationship when daughter becomes an adult, and then possibly daughter becoming caretaker down the road. It truly does come full circle.

My mom became a teenage mother without having had a nurturing mother herself. There is a long list of qualities and knowledge she didn’t have, or possess when she became a mother. I can list many things I wish my mother did better. No parent is perfect. Instead of highlighting things that cannot be changed, I’d rather tell my mother some things I think she did superbly well.

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Lisa Bonet and Zoe.

Mom, 

I accept you for who you are. I don’t blame you for anything that you may feel you could have done better in raising me because I think you did the best you could have done with what you were given. Thank you for sharing with me about your past, I know it’s not easy for you to talk about after all this time.

I feel very blessed to have such a spunky and open-minded mother. I don’t have to worry about being someone I’m not, for you to approve. If I wanted to spend my days writing a book on a Greek island, I know you would support me. If I was anti-marriage, you would say “I understand.” If I decided to only eat red meat during odd numbered years, you would just ask “Are you eating meat this year?” with no judgment. You don’t try to impose your views on me and I respect that.

I know that we live States away from each other and you lead a very busy working life. I wish you didn’t have to work so hard, and I have big goals in my professional life to ease your load. As long as I can help, I will do so with no lament.

Thank you for sending me to California and South Carolina during some summers and exposing me to life outside of New York City. Thank you for making Christmases special and taking care of the cats I always wanted but didn’t want to actually clean after. Thank you for simply being there. Thank you for not accepting sub-par penmanship on my homework. Thank you for sending me greeting cards for every occasion and even for no occasion. Thank you for giving me a chance against many odds. 

With Love,

your daughter.

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Things I want to tell my mom

Life be Life-ing

“Now I use the word happiness very loosely because happiness is not a place where you can live. It is more like a space we cross through periodically, sometimes more frequently or for longer duration than other times…”

It’s October 7th and I’m sitting on my couch debating on whether I want to cook dinner or pop something ready-made in the oven. My blog has been unfamiliar to me for awhile. Radio silence in August and September. Those are very busy times for school-based therapists. Not only is work gearing up speed, but life also be life-ing. You know what I mean. Life continues to be life- victories, upsetting moments, change of weather, change of mood, we loose daylight, changes, changes, changes. Some more drastic than others.

Fall and spring are two of my favorite seasons, in spite of being born in the summer. Fall reminds me that there’s no place like having a home to call your own. It is about getting cozy on the couch, drinking chai tea latte and baking pumpkin spice cake. It’s a season to prepare for the cold winter, because as we know, winter is coming. Fall is also about taking advantage of what’s left of the year before we usher in resolutions, new intentions, and the realization that “damn! Time flies.”

I’m in another transition time. It’s been stirring for a little while. It’s not comfortable and can be scary to think about, but it’s something I want. There’s more places for me to see in this lifetime, more to do, and the DMV area has been real. I’ve had highs of highs and lows of lows here. I got my Master’s degree, a professional license, life-long mentors, and an experience at an HBCU. I fell in love in all its glory and pain. I got my own apartment. I bought my first 2 cars (not simultaneously, yet.) I have a retirement plan. I’ve developed a love for painting and art. I’ve come to appreciate what this move meant to me, and how it has propelled me into what I consider to be an “adult.” Not only am I proving to myself that I can take care of myself financially, but I’m dedicated to working on my mental health by staying consistently in therapy. That’s my life right now.

Adulting and life-ing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. But today I’m thankful for the support I have around me, those I love and that love me, my career, my passion and my drive. There’s nowhere to go but forward.

-She

Life be Life-ing

The First: Is You Ready?

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Credit: Weheartit.com

Whew! Where has the time gone?! Can you believe we are in November already? We blinked our eyes and summer was over. The cold has settled in and I am not quite ready to say goodbye to 2014. Changes are still happening around me, however, I am in a better mood to engage in life, my job, and my short term personal goals. I have been able to work it out so that I can still attend group therapy during the work week, and my brand spanking new roommate moved in today. I can’t believe to tell you what  a relief it has been to secure a roommate. That means that I don’t have to sacrifice my whole paycheck for one pay period a month. It means freedom! It means I can eat Chipotle once a week. It means I can buy some bottles of wine to keep my fridge stocked (and my stressful evenings at a minimum). It means I can pay all my bills when they are due. And it means I generally have more room to breathe (financially) week to week.

I moved out of DC to save money. That just hadn’t happened the past 3 months. It’s feasible now. I walked into the apartment today and sensed the difference though. It smelled different. But, that’s minor. I think this roommate business has its pro’s and con’s. I summed them up below:

Pro’s to having a roommate:

  • You’re not alone very often. To a person with depression, company could be a good thing.
  • You have someone who pretends to care when you’re sick, suffering, etc. Or they may not be pretending. Generally, you “pretend” at first.
  • The MOST obvious, you’re saving $$$.
  • You have someone to share your food with.
  • You have someone to share a drink with.
  • It’s like a never ending sleepover, a good thing if a friendship is cultivated.
  • You learn how to compromise.

Con’s to having a roommate:

  • You’re not alone very often. To a person that thrives from personal space and time, this may be stiffling.
  • I can’t pee with the door open.
  • I have to spray after I use my bathroom. (for courtesy)
  • My morning routines (including playing music, etc.) may have to change.
  • You have someone to share your food with, and may feel obligated to share with them in order to appear as if you have home training.
  • You have someone to share a drink with. Then you get paranoid and hide your alcohol because you don’t trust your roommate.
  • It’s like a never ending sleepover, and you just want your space back.
  • You can’t remember what food in the fridge you bought.
  • You’re afraid over every little noise when you’re not sure if they are home or not.
  • You can’t be “spontaneous” with company. Sexy time is “courteous.”

These are just some of the anxieties I may deal with later down the road, but as of right now I’m still on the high of saving $$$. Especially today, the First of the month. November is already looking up! So today, I celebrate new beginnings, more money in the bank, the cold making a grand entrance and the writing process.

What are some things you’re celebrating on the First? Any Pro’s or Con’s to add to the list?

Wake up!

-She

The First: Is You Ready?

For the Lover in You: Soundtrack

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I don’t celebrate little fat nakey babies, but I believe in love.

I try to celebrate love everyday, showing it in very subtle ways to those most unsuspecting people who make my day a little smoother, week by week.

What does love mean to me this year?

Sacrifice. Patience. Growing Pains. Small details.

Stepping out of my comfort zone.

I see love everywhere. And at the same time I see very thirsty souls.

What does love mean to you this year? What’s your favorite love song?

Soundtrack for the Lover in You:

Stevie Wonder- Rocket Love

Lalah Hathaway- Forever, For Always, For Love

Anthony Hamilton- The Point of It All

Usher- Here I Stand

And here’s to a newly discovered love song: Be Good (Lion’s Song) the animated version

Happy Lovers Day!

She

For the Lover in You: Soundtrack

Monday Motivation: Be Good (Lion’s Song) by Gregory Porter

Be Good is her name, I trim my lion’s paw and I cut my mane. And I would

If I could, but that woman treats me the same.

If I watch this over and over, eventually I will form all the pieces of the puzzle.

For now, I’m just mesmerized by the surface beauty.

What do you make of it?

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Goodbye 2012: Last Lesson

I wanted to do a nice recap of My Fave’s of 2012 and I guess I can still do that on the first day of 2013. Since I’ve finally made it to the Sunshine State (Florida) after a long 5 days in Bawston visting my father (& his girlfriend), I’ve taken this day to do a lot of lazing around since my mother brings in the New Year in church and one can’t inconspicuously sleep there. Anyways, I’ve decided to go with her since last year around this time I spent New Year’s in somebody’s club and I felt uncomfortable, mad and over that whole scene.

5 days was the longest time I’ve ever spent with my father after 27 years of life.

I learned a lot about this man through observations, verbal exchanges and watching him in daily routine.

I came to Florida with a new-found respect of the work-in-progress relationship I have with my mother.

Last night after picking me up from the airport she comes in the room and has the ceiling fan going and then turns on a stand alone fan. I don’t like to be cold while I’m laying down so I go “Really though? it’s cold in here.” She says: “I’m going through the changes!”

I couldn’t help but crack up. She is a very unique lady, and she gets me. She doesn’t take my sometimes brash way of expressing myself as disrespectful. She laughs at my dry sarcasm. She sits in silence with me and knows that I’m observant and think a lot before I speak. And if I don’t speak…that means I don’t have anything to say.

I feel grateful to say that I have a parent who knows me. And accepts me. It’s not a perfect relationship, but it’s a relationship.

On another note, I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Please be safe out there and here’s to a prosperous 2013!

Boom Boxez a Make Her Danz!
Boom Boxez a Make Her Danz!

Any last lessons you learned during these holidays?

-She

Goodbye 2012: Last Lesson

2012: Year in Pictures

This marks my 133rd post, 2011’s ReCap in Photos post was number 38 so if I can calculate correctly this year I’ve written roughly 95 posts! Not too shabby…

10. I started off the year filing applications for graduate school, and then experienced Rejection. Followed by the redeeming power of Acceptance. {Jan-May 2012}

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9. I finished my pre-req’s in Speech Language Pathology! {May 2012}

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8. I learned of my acceptance into my dream school, including my selection to receive a grant fellowship. Preparation began for subsequent move. {May- July 2012}

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7.  I woke up and was suddenly over this guy. I turned 27 years old and worked 2 jobs for the first time (full time and part time). {July 2012}

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6. I cut my hair, again. {August 2012}

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5. I indulged in life in a new city and met fellow bloggers and people from Twitter. {May-September 2012}

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4. I started a new relationship. {November 2012}

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3. I survived my first semester of graduate school and celebrated the end of the semester by attending a Wig Walk. {Dec. 2012}

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2. I will be splitting the holidays with both parents in two different states. My first time ever traveling this much at the end of the year, but I’m thankful! {Dec. 2012}

1. I learned the importance of believing in yourself! Even when you don’t feel worthy, or smart, or beautiful…don’t be so hard on yourself. You were made for this moment right now, so seize it!

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Happy end of the year to you! Hope it’s treating you well!

Best,

She

2012: Year in Pictures