The “I don’t Wanna’s”

cry baby

It’s May 19th. While I lay in my bed with my space heater on blast, I can’t help but mentally fast-forward to the summertime. I want the heat, I want the lazy days, I want the “summer projects.” There’s almost 30 days left in the school year. I’m experiencing burn out with the amount of work that’s left to do, to not only close out a school year, but also clean out the speech room. The school where I’m assigned is closing. Just about every morning goes like:

I don’t wanna get up.

I don’t wanna be at that building.

I don’t wanna see [redacted]’s face.

I don’t wanna do therapy.

I don’t wanna write notes.

I don’t wanna plan.

I don’t wanna test. 

I don’t wanna type up a report. Or an IEP. 

I’ll be so glad when June 21st gets here. I don’t want to rush summer, but it’s VERY. MUCH. NEEDED. When the case of “I don’t wanna’s” hit, I am also reminded that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This time shall pass. I try to focus on other things going on. Things that make me happy.

The thought of reading books.

Game of Thrones.

Food. And Drank. BBQ’s.

Making summer plans. Planning trips.

Thinking about what new positions to pursue. Actually searching and applying for them.

Spending time with Brandon. Traveling with him.

Cleaning out my home office, that has been in the same condition for 8 months.

Planning Book Chats. Writing.

The things that center me, the things I can do right from the comfort of my home. I try to remember that I can find some happiness in the simple things. That my home is a refuge, a safe place to lay down all my cares when I don’t want to deal with the world.

-She

 

 

The “I don’t Wanna’s”

We Went to Costa Rica…

…and now we are truly sad to be back.

Highlights:

  • We rented a car. We named her Sandy. Not the best pick-up for managing driving up the rolling hills, but she pulled through. Gas mileage was great!

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    Sandy chilling in Manuel Antonio
  • We got an AirBnB in Manuel Antonio. It was pretty nice/comfortable and we will probably keep doing AirBnB’s when we return. We woke up to this:

PS- Those howler monkeys look like this:

howler monkey

  • We ate so good. Fresh, delicious, sweet fruits for breakfast and in juice form. The way God intended us to have them (*clears throat* with a little tequila.)
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2×1= AKA Happy Hour
  • Bran got a lesson in maneuvering the curves and mountains in Costa Rica.
  • Endless beautiful sights of the coast line and countrysideIMG_3495

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  • The Arenal Volcano unveiled herself.

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  • And the most important highlight: Love was grown. 

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    Pura Vida,IMG_3685

We Went to Costa Rica…

Back to Where It Started

Rainforest
                         Suspended Bridge                                    

On June 11, 2011 I published my first post on GlobeTracer. I was living in Costa Rica as a 26 year old adult, one of my bucket list items. I didn’t plan it that way. Life happened, and I ended up using this medium as a way to document how I got through one of the most difficult times in my life.

In a couple of hours, I get to see Costa Rica again. Thinking back to where I was 5 years ago, I couldn’t have planned  the changes that occurred. In 5 years, I accomplished a lot. God has been good. I’m working and taking care of myself now. I’ve found a career, where I see myself growing and thriving. I am seeing a mental health therapist regularly. I am living on my own, paying bills, and plotting the next big goal. But before I continue to tackle life, I get to experience “pura vida.”

Letting go all my anxieties. Forgetting what’s waiting on me when I get back home. Disciplining my brain to be in the moment, to embrace the rain, to take in all the beauty that I’ve missed for 5 years. To put my phone away. To stop searching for a wi-fi signal. I’m thankful to God I’m going on my first trip of 2016. I need this!

For the next week, I get to share my country with the person that I love.  I hope it’s love at first sight for him. I look forward to sharing new posts when I return!

Pura Vida,

She

 

Back to Where It Started

Untitled, Or, Nothing Seems to Fit

plane

Photo credit: Weheartit.com

Airports hold a lot of emotion for me. I’ll never forget the opening of the movie Love Actually where the filmmakers capture what looks like real footage of the heartbeat of airports. The flow of “comings” and “goings.” People greeting their families, the infamous run and jump embrace between significant others, tearful goodbye’s or “see ya later’s” to service men and women. The thought of someone being “there” when you land is so comforting. The thought of someone seeing you off at the airport is personal. For a couple of hours while you’re in the air, it’s almost like being suspended in reality. You’re in a new reality entrusted to the hands of qualified pilots.

Mid-air is perfect for reflection. To be disconnected from social media and to be mindful. To let my emotions wander.

To pray that I land safely at a 3 digit airport code. To desire to get in a good amount of reading in but in actuality only read a couple of pages. To think about the awkward closeness and “excuse me” moments I may share with the person sitting next to me. To be empathetic towards the mother with the hollering 2 year old who can’t deal with the pain of the pressure in his ears.

I mediate on my own life. I consider the flights I haven’t taken yet. I think about the people I currently hold close in my life. I think about impermanence. I wonder if those people know how much they mean to me, if I express it enough. While suspended in reality, I tell myself everything is going to work out. I will land, as I’ve done in the past, and I’ll continue to conquer both astounding and agonizing giants in my world.

I will still hope, however, that when I walk outside someone is there sitting in a familiar car, anticipating my coming.

-She

Untitled, Or, Nothing Seems to Fit